What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
