if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
