I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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