the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
