Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize