I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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