I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
