If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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