you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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