You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
