And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
