Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
