I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
