i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
