You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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