She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
