I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
