I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize