Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
