apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize