He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
