Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
