When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
