i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
