You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
