It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
