Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My pussy is not your playground.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
