I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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