thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
