I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm too high and old for this...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
