OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
how drunk are you?
Several
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
