the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
