I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
