I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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