I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
