i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
