she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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