non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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