It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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