textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
