I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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