Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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