Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
