Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
