All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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