I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
