was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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