Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
