My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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