In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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