Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
