I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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