I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Im part way to drunk.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
