When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
