i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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