Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
