Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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