You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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