I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
