btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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