I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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