I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
