Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
