I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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